LivingJamie

Content note: This post mentions childhood abuse, trauma, and marital intimacy. Please read with care.

For most of my life, I carried wounds I did not know how to heal.

My parents struggled with alcoholism. Throughout my childhood, I was moved back and forth between my mom and dad, between Colorado and Wyoming. I experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

Those experiences did not disappear when I grew up.

I carried them into my thoughts, my body, and eventually my marriage.

When Trauma Followed Me Into Marriage

Physical intimacy with my husband felt uncomfortable and even frightening to me.

After we had children, I convinced myself there was no longer any reason for that part of our marriage. In my mind, motherhood and intimacy could not exist together.

I thought kids and sex did not mix.

Eventually, I did not even want my husband to touch me. I pulled away from him again and again. When he tried to explain how deeply the rejection hurt him, I became defensive.

I loved my husband, but I did not understand why I reacted the way I did.

Looking back, I can see that my mind and body had learned to protect themselves after years of abuse. But at the time, all I knew was that something inside me felt terribly broken.

Our marriage began to feel less like a marriage and more like two roommates raising children together.

I kept praying:

“Lord, please fix my marriage. Please fix me. I feel broken.”

The Conversation That Changed Everything

One Saturday, my husband spoke to me again about the pain he was carrying.

He told me how much it hurt that we were no longer physically close. He said it felt like we were roommates raising children instead of a husband and wife who were deeply connected.

Normally, I would have become defensive.

But this time, while he was talking, I prayed silently.

“Lord, help me receive what he is saying with Your wisdom. Help me hear his heart instead of immediately trying to protect myself.”

After our conversation, I walked upstairs and prayed:

“Lord, thank You for this conviction. Please fix me. Help me.”

The next day was difficult.

I soaked in the weight of everything that had been said. I grieved, cried, and wrestled with the truth that my husband had been hurting and that my pain was affecting our marriage.

That night, I stayed awake praying.

I confessed the ways I had shut my husband out. I asked the Lord for forgiveness, wisdom, and healing. I told Him I could not untangle all these wounds by myself.

I needed Him.

Monday Morning Felt Different

On Monday morning, I woke up feeling like a different person.

The fear and stress I had connected with intimacy no longer felt as powerful. Instead of wanting to avoid my husband, I was excited to see him.

I wanted to be near him.

I welcomed his touch.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like my husband was not just the person helping me raise our children.

He was my best friend again.

We laughed together. We enjoyed one another again. We felt close again.

We felt in love again.

The Lord met me in a place I had believed was too damaged to be restored.

He did not erase the truth of what happened to me. But He reminded me that my past did not have to control my marriage forever.

Even Country Music Was a Trigger

For years, country music was difficult for me to hear.

Certain songs, voices, and sounds brought back memories I wanted to forget. Instead of enjoying the music, I felt sick.

It stirred up fear, shame, and painful feelings connected to my past.

Sometimes trauma hides in places other people would never expect.

A song playing in a store, a familiar voice on the radio, or a melody from years ago can suddenly make the past feel present again.

Country music became one of those triggers for me, so I avoided it.

But after those nights of praying, something changed.

I turned the music on, and the same heaviness was not there. I could listen without feeling trapped inside old memories.

I could enjoy it again.

Now, when country music plays, I can listen with joy.

Something that once reminded me of pain now reminds me of how far the Lord has brought me.

It may seem like a small thing to someone else, but to me, it feels like another piece of freedom.

I Thought Healing Would Cost Thousands

For a long time, I assumed that healing from everything I had experienced would require years of appointments and thousands of dollars.

Counseling and trauma-informed therapy can be wonderful gifts, and many people need that kind of support. There is no shame in seeking professional help.

But in my personal story, the breakthrough I had been longing for came during a few honest nights alone with God.

I did not have the right words or a perfect prayer.

I cried.

I confessed.

I grieved.

I told Him the truth about my pain, my marriage, my fear, and the ways I had pushed my husband away.

I brought Him everything.

And He met me there.

For me, it did not take thousands of dollars.

It took surrender.

It took a few nights of pouring out my heart before God and allowing Him to show me what I had been afraid to face.

That does not mean every person’s healing will happen the same way or on the same timeline. Some people experience healing through prayer, counseling, medical care, supportive relationships, or a combination of all of them.

This is simply my testimony:

I needed God, and when I finally stopped defending, hiding, and running, He met me in my brokenness.

Healing Is Not a Formula

I want to be careful when sharing this story.

My testimony is not a promise that every trauma response will disappear overnight.

Some healing happens suddenly, and some healing unfolds slowly.

What happened to you was not your fault.

Trauma can affect how safe you feel in your body, your relationships, and physical intimacy. You are not dirty, ruined, stupid, or beyond restoration.

My Monday-morning change was a gift from the Lord. It was not something I earned, forced, or accomplished through willpower.

This is simply the story of how He met me.

The Lord Was Gentle With Me

For a long time, even hearing people talk about intimacy brought back painful memories and made me feel sick.

Now I am learning that intimacy within a loving marriage does not have to resemble the abuse I experienced.

Abuse takes.

Love protects, listens, honors, and gives.

The Lord is teaching me that I am safe with my husband. He is helping me separate the cruelty of my past from the loving marriage in front of me.

I once prayed for God to fix my marriage.

Instead, He lovingly began healing the wounded places inside me that were affecting it.

He gave me peace where there had been fear.

He gave me tenderness where there had been distance.

He gave me joy where even music had once brought pain.

He restored closeness between my husband and me.

He gave me my best friend back.

And He reminded me that He is able to enter even the darkest rooms of our hearts and bring light.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” —Psalm 147:3

To the Woman Who Feels Broken

Dear friend, you are not beyond the reach of God.

You may have wounds that have followed you for years. You may not understand your reactions. You may love your spouse deeply while still struggling to feel safe, connected, or comfortable with physical affection.

Please do not condemn yourself.

Bring the truth into the light.

Pray honestly.

Speak with your spouse when it is safe to do so.

Seek wise support when you need it.

Healing does not make the abuse acceptable.

Healing means the abuse does not get the final word.

Jesus does.

A Prayer for Healing

Lord,

You see every wound we carry, including the ones we cannot explain.

Please bring healing to the places trauma has touched. Give us wisdom, courage, and safe people who can help us.

Teach husbands and wives to listen to one another with patience and compassion.

Restore what has been damaged, but never rush or shame the hurting.

Thank You for staying near to the brokenhearted.

Thank You that our past does not place us outside Your love.

Thank You that no place is too dark, too damaged, or too painful for You to enter.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Has the Lord ever brought healing to an area of your life that you thought would always remain broken?

You are welcome to share as much or as little as feels safe in the comments.